Give yourself a break! The power of self-compassion
Have you ever noticed how much kinder you are to your friends than to yourself? It is so easy to show love and compassion to others, we don’t even question it.
When a friend messes up, you tell them it’s okay. You remind them they’re human, that mistakes happen. But when you mess up, the inner critic shows up, loud and relentless. Why is it so hard to give ourselves a break?
In these moments we need to lean into self-compassion.
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion means showing yourself the same kindness and care you do for others. It means giving yourself some grace when you’ve made a mistake and comforting the more vulnerable aspects of yourself because you are human, and we all suffer. Kristin Neff explains that self-compassion involves three key elements:
Self-kindness (vs. self-judgment) Being gentle with yourself instead of critical.
Common humanity (vs. isolation) Recognizing that suffering and failure are universal—not just your burden to carry.
Mindfulness (vs. over-identification) Holding your thoughts and emotions in balanced awareness rather than letting them define you.
Why is self-compassion so hard?
There may be a fear that if we are kind to ourselves then we’ll end up lazy and unproductive. We might hold a belief that we are absolving ourselves from our responsibilities and worry we’ll get stuck.
Self-criticism often stems from the belief that it will lead to self-improvement and that we should be punished when we have made a mistake.
Self-improvement: When we make a mistake, we have learned that improvement comes from highlighting our weaknesses and fixing them. The intention is to work harder, push for more, and strive for excellence.
Self-punishment: We have learned that making a mistake warrants punishment. We might believe that we have done something wrong which justifies harsh criticism – and if no one else punishes us then we will!
Isn’t this the societal messaging we have grown up with?! Every day we face messages that encourage us to be better, do more, and work harder. How often have you told yourself, “I’ll be good enough when _______” (fill in the blank!)? We live in a world that often measures worth by productivity, appearance, or success. But self-compassion offers a different way: one that’s rooted in acceptance and wholeness.
The essence of self-compassion is realizing that you are worthy of love and belonging now, as you are. Period.
Studies show that people who practice self-compassion are more resilient, less anxious, and even more motivated—because they aren’t paralyzed by fear of failure.
Practicing self-compassion
Notice your inner dialogue
Notice moments when you are being hard on yourself, and ask yourself, “Is this how I would respond to a close friend? A family member?” Try to find words of comfort and give yourself the same compassion you would to others.Name what you’re feeling
“This is tough.” “I feel discouraged.” Naming the emotion instills understanding and creates space to respond.Remind yourself you’re not alone
We all struggle. We all have moments of doubt. You’re not broken, you’re human.Try a self-compassion break
Take a deep breath and say to yourself: “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment.”
Written by Kylie D'Angiulli (she/her), RSW, MSW. At our clinic, we’re proud to have both a Social Worker and a Psychotherapist as part of our mental health team. If you’d like to connect with them, speak to your physician for a referral.